So it's day three in my new American High School regime. So, what's the verdict? Do I hate it? Tolerate it? Or do I actually enjoy wandering around in a school that is easily 10 times bigger then my old school? I'm not sure yet. It struck me yesterday morning, that everything here seems like a dream. I see the people all around me, but it's like they don't exist. Usually, I'm super aware of people and the fact that, right now, they are thinking their own thoughts, and have a different life than mine. Even the people that I talk to, they don't seem dynamic. It's like they are a characters in a book. How ironic, haven't I always wanted to be in a book?
Sorry. I'm being cynical, aren't I? I can't help but wonder, again, that my life is going to go in a completely different direction now. If I had stayed in Cold Lake, what sort of person would I have become? I wouldn't have changed much, I don't think. Same friends, same habits, same life. Maybe my life was destined to be that way. And I didn't mind at all. I'm not going to say that I was perfectly happy, because I wasn't. For that matter, I'm still not. But I had at least reached a grey area. An impasse. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't unhappy; I had no reason to be. But I wasn't going anywhere...
Right now I feel like I'm struggling in an overwhelmingly strong current. It's all I can do to breathe. If you can call it that; it's more like I'm gasping for air.
Yesterday, for example. I was walking to one of my classes and suddenly it was all I could barely hold back tears. I was looking at all the faces around me, and it was so weird. I felt like I wasn't there. In Cold Lake, I knew mostly everyone in my school on friendly terms; if I didn't, I at least recognized their faces. Here, I don't think I'm even going to be able to recognize everyone in my grade alone! How can they stand it!? Walking around and everyday it's like you're in a new school? No one cares...
So, going back to my question earlier, I have to wonder what sort of course my life is going to take now. Back in Cold Lake, I was pretty sure what was going to happen. At least, as sure as one can be about their future. I would finish school, most likely with wonderful marks; keep singing in music festival, though I probably wouldn't make it past provincials; probably get the leading role in the school musical; ride my horse as much as I could; see Amanda's baby being born and actually get my chance to be an aunt; compete in Canadian Idol and hope for the best; and finally, graduate and set out for university.
What's going to happen now is a mystery. I know that I'm not going to be sitting on top of the honor roll anymore, I might not even get A's in all my subjects like I'm used to.
I guess this post has grown into full blown venting. But there's so many things that I haven't mentioned yet, like how I feel about the people I've been hanging out with for the last two days, or my classes, or the fact that I have to get up at 5:00 in the morning just to make my bus.

How am I going to survive this?



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